If cryptozoology is good enough for Nikolay Valuev, then it?s perhaps just the ticket for Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney?
?Out you two pixies go, through the door or out the window.??It?s a Wonderful Life
Imagine my surprise while watching Nat Geo?s Bigfoot: The New Evidence to see the legendary creature not only emerge from a car but wearing a Tony Soprano shirt! I breathed a sigh of relief (well, sort of) upon realizing that the sighting wasn?t of Sasquatch but of former WBA heavyweight champion Nikolay Valuev, the seven-foot, 320-pound ?Russian Giant.?
Valuev retired from the ring in 2009, following the loss of his championship to David Haye. He entered politics and was elected to parliament in 2011. In addition to stopping Americans from adopting Russian children, Valuev has taken quite an interest in the creature Russians call Almasty.
An epiphany while watching the National Geographic Channel? Yes! If cryptozoology is good enough for Valuev, then it?s perhaps just the ticket for Roy Jones Jr. and James Toney. Anything to bring to an end their godawful impersonation of Sheridan Whiteside, the man who came to dinner?and stayed.
Lady Macbeth surely had Jones and Toney in mind with her exclamation, ?Stand not upon the order of your going, but go at once.?
At once, do you hear! A fisherman?s vest, a butterfly net, and away you two pixies go. Not interested in Bigfoot? Not a problem.
Roy, we?re sending you to Dover, Massachusetts, to look into the fascinating case of the Dover Demon, a watermelon-headed?thing with peach-colored skin ?like Fred Flintstone in the Sunday comics? sighted by several seemingly reliable witnesses in April 1977. ?A true enigma, an animate anomaly,? says the alliterative Loren Coleman, unknown investigator, er, investigator of the unknown.
Start packing, Roy. Ah, nothing like celebrating Thanksgiving in Massachusetts?Plymouth Rock, the lovelorn Myles Standish, Indians and their maize (what benighted white folk call ?corn?), turkey, cranberry sauce?the whole nine yards. Yes?praise the Lord and pass the creature DNA samples?your December 3 match with Bobby Gunn has been canceled.
And we haven?t forgotten about you, Jim, you recalcitrant rapscallion. You?re off to see Momo. Who? What? As Jerome Clark, author of Unexplained!, explains:
?The Momo scare was played out in and around Louisiana, a small town (pop. 4,600) in northeastern Missouri. In July 1971, two picnickers in a wooded area north of town reportedly spotted a ?half-ape and half-man? with a hideous stench. Stepping out of the thicket, it walked toward them, making a ?little gurgling sound,? and they locked themselves inside their car. The creature ate an abandoned peanut butter sandwich and ambled back into the woods. The women reported the incident to the Missouri State Patrol but did not come forward publicly until a year later, and then only after numerous others had reported a similar incident.?
Yes, yes, we?ll supply the peanut butter.
And there?s plenty more where the Dover Demon and Momo came from (wherever that may be): the Flatwoods Monster, the Jersey Devil, the Minnesota Iceman, Mothman, the Tatzelwurm, Thunderbirds?
You two won?t see the inside of a ring again. You?ll be too busy?much, much too busy.
