“I hold in my hand the envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar under Funk and Wagnall’s porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your borderline divine and mystical way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions.” That’s how straight man Ed McMahon did the “setup” for late night TV king Johnny Carson’s recurring “Carnac The Magnificent” skits. McMahon would then give a subject and, in his borderline divine and mystical way, “Carnac” would then provide the punch lines. One of my favorites was when McMahon said, “Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln…” “Carnac” touched his feathery headress, befitting a borderline divine and mystical mystic from Parts Uknown, and said” “Name the three top wide receivers in the National Football League!” Maybe you had to be there… Nonetheless, since I once participated in an amateur boxing match at the Fargo Building in South Boston and took a pasting from a local hero named Irish John Coiley using the ring moniker “Mike Marlowitz,” I have decided to try the “Carnac” gambit on boxing. Call me “Marlnac The Moronic” if you must but here goes. Remember, the answer comes first and I deliver the question second like so…
“Nine, nine, nine”
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A: How many television PPV fight buys that presidential candidate and ex-pizza promoter Herman Cain believes that the Victor Ortiz-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight on Sept. 17 actually did.
?Get on the Good Foot?
A: What James Brown song will ?retiring? David Hayemaker Haye use for his inevitable comeback fight against Vitali Klitschko. Haye was unable to go ?toe to toe? with Wladimir Klitschko because his baby toe had an owie.
?Band-Aid?
A: What?s the only sponsor Haye will be able to get to underwrite his bloody comeback?
?Richmond Flying Squirrels?
What nickname did Lou DiBella choose for his Class AA Richmond, Va., baseball farm team when he discovered that the parent team San Francisco Giants would not approve ?Bats In The Belfry? thinking fans might think it was a reference to DiBella rather than the ballclub.
?Crack cocaine?
A: What substance must have been poured into the BoxingSocialist.com super computer which decided that Manny Pacquiao is something like the fifth or sixth most qualified 140 to 147 pound fighter to fight ?Money? Mayweather.
?Michele Bachman, Rick Perry and Jon Huntsman?
A: Name three politicians who have less of a chnace at a comeback than Ricky Hatton?
?Pacquiao goes sleepless”
A: The ever reliable Floyd Mayweather Sr. is barking that his loving son ?will put Pacquiao to sleep.? I didn?t know that Pacman, who sleeps all day when he?s not in training for a fight, had insomnia. Yet another ?scoop? from Pretty Daddy.
If you like ?Marlnac The Moronic? I will bring him back.
If you didn?t may the Bird of Paradise fly up your nose and the nose of your most trusty camel.
