(The following events are real. The names have been changed- to bad alcoholic puns- to protect the innocent.)
8:29- I just got home from work and hit the Pay Per View button. Guests are on the way. Brews are in the ice chest. Alfonso Gomez is bleeding like a stuck pig, but Lederman has him winning a shutout. Soto Karass doesn’t stand a chance if that cut is accidental. He’s already lost a few points to low blows. It’s too bad; I saw him fight in Houston once and I have always wondered whether or not he was worthy of contender status. I think we saw his true colors tonight. Soto Karass is exciting and ballsy, but he isn’t a champion. If Gomez is whacking you around the ring, you don’t stand a chance in there with the big boys. This is especially true considering the way that Gomez wilted against Miguel Cotto.
8:34- Jim Lampley is already throwing up the red flag as they try to tabulate the scores for Gomez- Soto Karass, pointing out that one judge has zero title fights on his resume. The worries are unfounded; Gomez takes the easy win. Lampley confirms as much, stating, “I think the rookie had the better score.”
8:42- TeCarlos and Rebecca-rita have arrived with Rebel Yell and vegetables and dip. I have to work tomorrow, but I don’t care. Yuri Foreman and Daniel Santos enter the ring. TeCarlos reminds me that Santos has turned in some stinkers. I remind him that Santos once beat Margarito.
8:45- Santos turns Foreman. Foreman looks a little frightened, but he might be winning the round.
8:46- Foreman nails Santos with a couple of right hands. Santos shakes them off. He doesn’t care. Santos cracks Foreman as the round closes.
8:48-I ask Rebecca-rita is the “liquor before beer” rule is real. We decide it’s probably not. I follow the one rule I know about pre-treating hangovers and get a bottle of water. Jenn and Tonic just arrived, drinking a smoothie.
8:51-James and Ali show up with Dos Equis and Chip and Dip, just as Jay Nady calls a bull-crap knockdown against Daniel Santos. Santos had hurt Foreman moments earlier and was reeling at the time of the call. I can’t stand incompetent referees.
8:53- Ali-quer is betting on “the guy with more tattoos.” So far, he’s right; Foreman should be winning the fight. “Should be” is the operative phrase, of course: This is Boxing we’re talking about.
8:59- Santos just got whacked with a hard combination. Foreman caught him clean. Santos survived the round by holding on like an action hero on a copper.
9:00- Foreman gets right back to it. Apparently, his wife criticizes him for his lack of killer instinct.
9:02-Bad Boy Rosenbaum shows up.
9:05- Foreman just dropped Santos; This time, Nady calls it a slip. I don’t understand what this guy is doing. Can we put Nady in the old folks, home yet? He’s like an overbearing substitute teacher.
9:09- Santos whacks Foreman with a right hand. Twenty seconds later, Santos goes down on what seems like a phantom head butt. Brandon and Amalia arrive just as Foreman wobbles Santos.
HBO just showed Manny Pacquiao wrapping his hands. Margarito has changed the way we view pre-fight activity.
9:22- It’s agreed: We take a shot of Rebel Yell every time Lampley says, “as if to say…”
9:24-Foreman rallies and Santos winces as if to say, “I just got beat up on HBO.” Damn. I have to take a shot now.
9:26- Foreman is scoring like a frat boy at Mardi Gras. Santos looks like the girl that woke up next to that same frat boy.
9:32- Foreman earns a real knockdown, and it gets called.
9:36- Bad Boy Rosen-car-baum just showed me a picture of a platyrrhini monkey, just as Foreman is declared the winner. They look like little geriatrics.
9:48- Where does the time go? Chavez and Troy are already in a barn burner. I’ve always disliked Chavez. I will not take credit for being the first to say this, but the apple has fallen very far from the tree.
10:04- Chavez is cruising. The conversation has turned to other things: Year One, The Simpsons, and Oprah. That’s right, Oprah. I don’t know why. I didn’t do it. I’m just a reporter. I don’t make the news, I just write it down.
10:08- Manny Pacquiao is taking in 8,000 calories a day. To be clear, that’s the amount consumed by 2 2/3 people… Or enough to feed a small village. Pacquiao’s eating habits have been keeping the Filipino economy at float during his training camp.
10:11- I just yawned. Chavez strafes Troy with a left hand.
10:15- Chavez actually looks good. I’m usually hard on him, but he’s controlling and taking care of business. I’m confused. It’s like somebody body-snatched him this round.
10:23- Apparently, post-fight music now sounds like video game music from the 1980s.
10:29- Does anyone have the phone number of that Filipino chick that’s singing the national anthem? You know, the one in red. She’s my type.
10:33- Never mind. Get me the woman singing the American anthem.
10:33 (again): Never mind. Get me both.
10:39-Pacquiao enters to Thunderstruck. It’s a good decision. AC/DC kicks ass.
10:40- Now he’s playing Eye of the Tiger, his ACTUAL entry music. Unfortunately, the CD skipped. Somebody just got a face-full of Bob Arum right there. You DO NOT let Pacman’s fight music skip. That’s just ridiculous. You’ve had six months to get an I-Pod instead of a CD.
10:41- Cotto’s hood is reminiscent of Damon Wayans in The Great White Hope.
10:43: I just scanned the room for fight picks, begging for a Cotto supporter, but I can’t find one. Everyone is calling it for Pacquiao. What a shock.
Tex-Pacquiao 10 Rebecca-rita-Pacquiao 11 TeCarlos-Pacquiao 12 Rosen-car-baum- Pacquiao 8 Cris-tal- Pacquiao (Distance) Ali-quer-Pacquiao 9 James Beam- Pacquiao 10 Jenn and Tonic-Pacquiao (Distance)
10:44- Michael Buffer’s microphone just squealed. What kind of second-rate performance is HBO putting on?
10:51- Cotto just won the first round, and he’s winning the second one…
10:54- What a barn burner! Pacquiao and Cotto just ripped each other like Milli Vanilli did their ghost singers! I give Pacquiao the second round, but he had to fight for it.
10:55- Dos Becky shows up with beer. It took me two seconds to get to the door, open it, type this, and get back to the fight. There’s no motivation like a warm seat, a cold beer, and a fight.
10:57-Cotto goes down! He’s not hurt, but it’s a point he needs to deal with later.
10:58- Cotto returns fire! The body shots are crisp and he’s boxing beautifully.
11:00- Pacquiao might have made Cotto angry. He’s landing HARD shots with very little difficulty. Manny better get off the ropes or he is in deep dung. Those body shots are beginning to take a toll. ..
11:03- HAIL PACQUIAO! That looked like a rope a dope to me.
11:05- I have never seen a guy as comfortable under fire as Pacquiao. Even as Cotto takes the fifth round, I still think Pacquiao has enough poise to control the tempo and the flow of the fight. Tactics can’t always beat a champ.
11:11- I don’t think Pacquiao expected such a rough fight in the early going, but he seems to have gotten back in control, landing often and easily with truly stunning shots. Cotto is not out of the fight; that power can pull any fight out of the fire. I would, however, be surprised if he came back to steal the show.
11:14- Cotto just landed his first good punch of the round. Pacquiao is chewing him up. If I were Juan Manuel Marquez, I would leave business unfinished.
11:18- Round 8 is a bit closer than usual, but Pacquiao seems to be taking control. Cotto is out of gas. Another seemingly close round just ended as a Pacquiao ass-kicking.
11:22- Ali-qeur just yelled “Kill!” Pacquiao responded. Cotto looks awful. He’s bleeding from the nose, his eyes are bruised, and his face is swollen.
11:24- Cotto’s corner is giving him one more. As Larry Merchant just said, it’s one round too late.
11:27-Pacquiao just took a round off, thus ruining my ten round knockout prediction. I don’t know what the hell his corner is thinking giving him another round. Cotto is running for his life. To be fair, Cris-tal made the case that Cotto was still in the fight.
11:33- Carlos just had his prediction validated. Pacquiao has been in charge for about eight rounds; By far, that’s all she wrote.
11:36- As Pacquiao is interviewed by Larry Merchant, it dawns on me that this might be the greatest fighter of our time. Pacman is definitely the current Pound for Pound King. If Mayweather wants a real piece of history, every true Boxing fan on the planet knows who he should fight. No foreplay; If Mayweather wants a tune up, let him take one. He’ll need it. However, he should give up the talk about Pacquiao’s knockout losses from more than a decade ago. It’s time to put up or shut up and schedule in the Pacmonster.
11:45- Roach calls out Mayweather. Good. Put some pressure on him. As for Cotto…I know I said this before, but man, he looks terrible. It’s like Larry Merchant is interviewing a piece of meat.
11:48- Emanuel Steward says you have to go to Mayweather, completing the night with the most astonishing moment: My agreement with Emanuel Steward.
3:13- Some 3 AM perspective and a whirlwind of after party has produced a different view of this fight. We know that this is Manny Pacquiao’s greatest performance, and we know he will now be anointed as the greatest of his generation. We also know that Miguel Cotto has the heart of a champion and will continue to fight. He can still be a great, legendary, Hall of Fame caliber fighter. He has the skills to beat most, and that is after his knockout loss against a plaster-hands to remain unnamed in this article. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the aggressive, relentless, Miguel Cotto.
