If he?s like Yogi Bear, if he is indeed smarter than the average bear, Ricky Hatton will have fought his final pro boxing round.
The massively popular Englishman?s battle plan for Manny Pacquiao reminded me of the true stories and accounts of the ragtag Polish Army trying to fight off Russian tanks with only their swords.
Be that as it may on May 2, Hatton can leave boxing with his oversized head held high.
(One Mancunian tipster just emailed to say that plans for a Hatton ring return are being formulated.
Working title for the next Hatton bout: HE?S (ON HIS) BACK!)
Hey, wait a minute?he always holds his head high and hands low which is exactly why the helicopter blades disguised as leather gloves of Pacman sliced, diced, spindled and mutilated him.
Hatton has made comments about taking up a career as a comic, a comedian on the rubber chicken circuit, the star of weddings, divorces and bar mitzvah parties.
NEWS FLASH FOR HATTON: Whatever you do, do not refer to yourself as a standup comic.
Call yourself a lay down comedian and you?re ahead of the game, you?ve garnered your first big laugh because that brutal KO, especially the third and final knockdown, was One for the Ages, a fight finish which people will be talking about 30 years from today.
Want some easy laughs, Ricky?
?Take Manny Pacquiao?please?I couldn?t??
Or maybe?
?A funny thing happened to me at the MGM Grand??
I?ve no doubt that Hatton, who won?t have to work for cut rates given his haul from the Mayweather and Pacquiao fights, will be successful in the comedy business.
But, if I was his commercial agent, I would have lined up many lucrative commercial/endorsement deals based on his getting smashed by Da Pacman.
Here?s just a few of Hatton?s likely, you will pardon the expression, targets:
SPERRY TOPSIDERS: For the well-dressed yet casual and sporty male who owns a yacht or even a dinghy, the only DECK SHOE to wear when your doing your Commander Schweppes routine aboard your pleasure vessel. (Insert racy jokes here aobut pleasure vessel).
VIAGARA OR CIALIS: “When the moment is right and you need to be so hard…” Then voice over guy says something about how it lessens pain of getting dribbled off the ring mat. Medical warning at finish: if you are knocked out for four hours, call your Fright Doctor immediately upon awakening.
PARTY LIKE A ROCKED STAR: We can just use the prone on the mat photo of Ricky where he cleverly does not obscure the Rockstar energy drink logo. I must admit his little nap is not the epitome of the supposed effect of an energy-giving beverage but maybe we use Manny as the Rockstar drinker.
UNCLE BEN?S: Really, this would be better for Pacquiao, the Pinoy Idol, because it would be both amusing and true for him to say, ?I am a credit to my rice.? I was thinking Ricky could shill for one of Uncle?s minute rice products, maybe we call it Three Knockdown, Second Round Rice. Cooking time: five minutes, 59 seconds.
JOHNSON’S FLOOR WAX: Can?t you see Hatton saying, ?I am a guy who knows what it?s like to be a mop, a broom, a floor polisher. I?ve seen how dirt and grime can fester in the tiny crevices of, let?s say, a ring canvas. It?s not a pretty picture. Only Johnson can wax your floor the way Pacquiao waxed me!?
MOUNTAIN DEW: The sugary sweet tonic has Hatton with Floyd Mayweather Sr. together and Uncle Floyd is sucking on the green bottle. Hatton says: ?The dumbest war strategy since the Nazis tried to take Russia in the middle of winter. My man Floyd came up with my walking into the Pacquiao path head up, hands down, after consuming a case of Mountain Dew. Remember, friends don?t let friends suck down an excess of Mountain Dew!? The script will strictly limit Uncle Floyd’s words and those will have English language subtitles on screen as he gurgles them. I am not sure what Mayweather’s first language is but I do know it has no links to Tagalog.
MEDICAL PRODUCTS: I would not dare joke about this if Hatton showed any linger effects but since he and girlfriend were splashing about the MGM pool Sunday, he remains fair game. The Vegas hospital has just reported his brain scan results and the Review-Journal has this headline: X RAYS OF HATTON?S HEAD SHOW NOTHING! So maybe Hatton can pick up some related medical endorsements for a scanning device or something similar.
ZAMBONI MACHINES: These are the icemaking machines you see at rinks and arenas which lay down new sheets of ice for the recreation skaters and insane hockey players (is that redundant?) Ricky will be billed as the Human Xamboni Machine and that may be an icy shot but it’s snow joke, son.
MENSA: This is the so called genius club where only people of a certain intelligence quotient are admitted. Having certainly lost some brainpower due to the three knockdowns, Ricky can be the slow sap who is rejected for membership in this society of brainiacs. Maybe they say: I WAS SO DUMB I WALKED INTO PACQUIAO?S POWER HANDS, BOTH OF THEM, THAT?S WHY MENSA TOLD ME, TAKE A WALK, YOU BIG DUMMY.
AUTO COMPANIES NEEDING CRASH TEST DUMMIES: Hatton?s movements into Pacman?s power path and the resulting trips to the canvas can be used to underline the need for not only seatbelts and sudden impact airbags but perhaps having all motorists wear crash helmets as well. Hey come on, the auto industry needs any money injection it can get.
GOURMET DELICACY KNOWN AS BALUT: All you Filipinos know what this is. I am willing to bet that fish and chips washed down by 15-20 lagers Hatton has never eaten this delicacy. Come on Ricky, bird embryos are more filling and taste great.
They?ll call him Icky Ricky if he does this one. Known as wonderful hangover cure, balut does play into the image of Ricky as someone who overdoes it with his drinks down at the pub.
I think I better stop right there. The mere thought of balut makes me sick to my stomach.
Which doesn?t mean I won?t try one this summer on my Filipino Fling. But maybe I can duck it so to speak!
Maybe I can get the last endorsement and cut Hatton out. Maybe I can salute balut. I already love my lumpia.
It?s for the needy, not the greedy, lad.
For more info: I won’t call it any Holy Trinity but you will be entertained and enlightened at Pacland, at Philboxing and the sometimes infurating BoxingConfidential. I never kick a guy when he’s down, even thrice, so check out the post-mortems of the Pro Ricky crowd. You can leave your hat on at their site.
