Medical experts worlwide are getting ready to treat the usual outbreak of Pacman fever, an uncontrollable condition which brings those so afflicted tremendous angst usually followed by unparalleled joy and satisfaction.
In other words, we’re a fortnight away as Ricky Hatton’s Loyal Lads would put it (14 days) from the Manny Pacquaio-Hatton bout in Las Vegas May 2.
Some have even been inspired to write lyrics about this malady:
Cause I’ve got Pac-Man fever; Pac-Man fever. It’s driving me crazy. Driving me crazy. I’ve got Pac-Man fever; Pac-Man fever. I’m going out of my mind. Going out of my mind. I’ve got Pac-Man fever; Pac-Man fever. I’m going out of my mind. Going out of my mind.
Must have been a George Gershwin composition, I’m not sure.
My uncle, Buffalo Solider Bob Marley, was the lone musicmaker in my family.
As we’ve discussed in these friendly pages previously there are two cadres of Pacquiao supporters.
The larger, fairly normal group are the Pacfans who, while they enjoy following Megamanny’s Superhero exploits in and out of the ring, have other things going on in their busy lives. You know, things like jobs, families, mortgages and other bills. Most in this group also have some sort of spiritual life beyond kneeling and praying to the Ring Gods before Pacman goes out to pulverize another opponent.
They don’t put the “fan” in “fanatic” and because of their normailty, they are not very exciting.
Me. I prefer the antics of the Lunatic Fringe, the Pacaholics, the Pacnuthuggers. I mean, let’s call a hugger and hugger…we’re all adults here.
That;s why I have composed a checklist which will enable one and all to self-test. By going over the Michael Marley Pacquiao Nuthugger List you can, in case you’re unsure, determine which category you fall into.
Since those in the Lunatic Fringe, the Outer Limits of Pacnuthugging, view their idolatry as uber national, uber Pinoy, I take the liberty herein of asking this pointed question: Are you or are you not or have you ever been a Communist…oops, wrong list, wrong era.
I meant are you now or have you ever been Pactriotic?
You Might Be Pactriotic if…
You consider Juan Manuel Marquez an annoying twit with modest boxing talent and still wonder if he has skid marks from getting dropped on the ring canvas by Manny…
You hate baseball, particularly the annoying SF Giants, but you’re going to their game April 21 to see Your Pinoy Idol and to grab the stunning, life like Pacman Bobblehead Doll as show above…Time for the Virgin Mary to move aside in that special place where you keep your religious icons and symbols…Read about how AT&T Park and the Giants will honor all those of Pinoy descent and Megamanny in particular. Too bad the Giants don’t have a lefthanded hitter like Pac in their lineup at Fromerly Pac Bell park and, no, the old name had nothing to with your Pac…
You don’t have a minute to spare, thus you can’t follow or concern yourself with the fights of Gerry Penalosa or Nonito Donaire. Neither of them is the National Any Body Part let alone the National Fist…
You think promoter Bob Arum is some beneolent old coot whose only interest is Manny’s health and financial welfare. Such a selfless fellow, you say, a Mother Teresa of the boxing sewer…
In your alleged mind, it’s just a brilliant business tactic how Pacman signs multiple contract with various parties for the same goods and services. In your view, the more contracts the merrier because it keeps these outside “vendors” on their toes…
You waited to jump on the Pacbandwagon until all your neighbors had long had severe Megamannymania. You wanted to make sure he wasn’t just a huge flash in the pugilistic pan. You really became Pactriotic about round seven of the De La Hoya beating…
You believe that Manny has wiped out all fighters in all weight classes in Mexico and that boxing has been reduced to the status of, let’s say, badminton in that country…
You won’t acknowledge that prime time Julio Cesar Chavez beats prime time Pacman albeit in a classic battle. On the other hand, you don’t know the difference really between the father, JC Junior and the Holy Spirit…
You consider Manny a saint in human form and, because you know he has a pretty wife and remains faithful to the vows he took with Jinkee, you believe that, unlike any other living, breathing man, he never “looks at the menu” when it comes to other women…
You reject Marquez’s pleas for a third bout against Pacman because he should stay silent and speak only when spoken to.Beggars, you say, cannot be choosers…
You know and accept that Hattonites actually follow boxing beyond their Ricky. You could care less because, when Manny hangs up the gloves, you will forget about boxing completely…
In your opinion, Nike should drop all other athlete endorsers and just feature Manny. Why encourage false idols?…
You want to hire Buboy Fernandez to sing at your daughter’s wedding, maybe crooning a little “Tiny Bubbles” in his perfect Don Ho impression…
You consider someone like Recah Trinidad, the tough journalist, to be a Benedict Arnold. You think anyone who writes a crtiical word about the infalliable Pacman should lose their Pinoy citizenship on the spot. Or, in the alternative, face the firing squad sans blindfold. You view Manny as an exception to the idea of a free press. As for Home Recah, he can go press his pants…
You think it’s amusing to call him Floyd Gayweather or Money Owes IRS instead of by his given name or his Money May nickname. You think it’s your duty to mock any and all Pacman opponents. What fools these inept mortals be…
You’ve seen video of Manny shooting hoops and you think he would block all of Lebron James’ pathetic shots. James might be a deal in the NBA but he’d be eating Wilson leather snadwiches if he tried Pacman on the court…
It’s your story, and you’re sticking to it, that Erik Morales and Marco Antonio Barrera will get into the Boxing Hall Of Fame only because they fought Pacquiao. They will get a lot of sympathy votes you figure…
You believe that, in his spare time, Coach Freddie Roach is working on a cure of cancer. Or, in the alternative, a potion which will make Joke Coach Mayweather Senior’s God-awful poetry less vomit-inducing..
You think Vegas ref Kenny Bayless is Manny’s personal referee and that he will never, ever let Hatton clutch and hold…
Instead of going to Lourdes or to the Vatican on a religious pilgrimage,. your dream is to visit Roach’s Wild Card Gym in Hollywood so you put your hands and feet where your God has done so…
Come May 3 and, even worse, on May 4, you will go into postfight shock much like a junkie deprived of heroin. You will linger in this terrible condition until you hear about the next fight and opponent…
If all or most of the above applies to you, sir or madam, then you’re Pactriotic.
And you’re also a complete social pariah and a blight upon civilization.
Want to see a degenerate? Get in front of a mirror, you don’t even have to fog it up with your liquored up hogs breath.
Bill Kurtis may have found the Internet but I’m Michael Marley and I’ve found the Pacnuthuggers.
Bobbleheads, bubbleheads, what’s the difference between assorted nuts?
Michael is a former sports columnist at the New York Post. He was a criminal defense attorney and worked for sports legends Howard Cosell and Don King. Marley also operates BoxingConfidential.com. Email him your thoughts.
For more info: The wildest, wackiest Pacnuthuggers may be found on the chat boards at Pacland and at Philboxing. But they’re really all over the Internet sometimes in the strangest places. HBO has comprehensive fight coverage.
