could not help but notice the fine embroidery on the punch pads Freddie Roach was wearing when my fellow Boston boy was putting Manny Pacquiao through his paces for a media day workout in San Francisco.
The mitts, which must really take a pounding since they act as the pre-fight surrogate for poor Juan Manuel Marquez?s head, appear to be made of rich, Corinthian style green leather (naugahide is my bet). On on glove is boldly emblazoned ?Freddie? and, below that, ?Wild.?
Now I don?t want to label myself an Everlast Einstein (again?) but it does not take a Harvard graduate to figure out the right hand mitt must have ?Roach? and ?Card? or ?Cardy Gym? stitched into the appropriate for St. Patrick?s Day (just two days after the Mexicutioners turns Marquez into a headless body) green leather.
And that got me thinking about other ways in which Pugilistic Professor Roach?s name, image and likeness can bring in some extra bucks. Marketing is the order of the day and these are the top products I think Roach and his brain trust should get working on:
Joke Coach Roach: Inspired by Floyd Mayweather Senior?s sappy insult, we turn this pejorative into a positive cash-flow machine. Who in the Philippines would not want take a long or short ride on the Freddie Roach Bus Lines ?Joke Coach?? Greyhound has its distinctive leaping dog symbol on the side of its vehichles and the FRBL vehicles will have a gaily-painted photo of Pupil Pacman and his Ole Perfessor on its side panels. That guy under the bus, well, that guy could be Justin Fortune. Roach Maximum Prisons: Might have to pay a fee or battle the Roach Motel cockroach guys in court but?but how about a rat control product, always needed among the promoters and other vermin in boxing, for which the commercial tag line could be ?where every rat gets the death penalty.? Dramatic, huh? And there will be no witness protection escape programs for these various varmints, either. Fashionista Freddie?s Fearless Teeshirts: The trainer is not exactly a clothes horse but let?s take his typically tattered teeshirts and turn them into high fashion with a warm photo of he and Manny beaming broadly?or maybe just beaming at some broads. Includes, at no extra charge, exact copies of spaghetti, burrito and Guiness Beer stains. Freddie?s Fearless BHop Tribute Teeshirt: In honor of his newest 42-year-old charge, Bernard Hopkins, these shirts would only come with a set of numbers at chest level on the front and your choice of patterns and colors would be strictly confined, I mean limited to white and grey stripes. You better lock up your order today! Be the first on your (cell) block to land this item! Freddie Roach?s Chick Magnet: Metallic bracelet can be worn very subtly around the wrist. You?ll be amazed at the gravitational pull with which the Roach Chick Magnet will depost hotties right in your lap. And, unlike in Vegas, they won?t immediately stick their hands out for a $20 tip for the surprise lap dance. When you see how many beautys, spinners and stone foxes suddenly awaken to your virility and other masculine charms, you too will be singing about Pacman?s trainer, ?I?m In Love With A Skipper.? (Translation: Roach steers the S.S Pacman through troubled waters, get it?) Freddie Roach?s Amazing Snake Charmer Outfit (weaved basket not included in retail price): As we all know, it was not long ago that Bob Arum, otherwise known as The Snake to friends and family, publicly and privately insulted Roach and said things like ?Freddie could not train a fly to find a trash bin.? Yet now Arum sings Freddie?s professional praises night and day. For only $49.95, you will get Freddie?s Snake Charmer clothing and his herpetologist-endorsed Snake Charmer Horn (Of Plenty) with which he lured Arum out of the weaved basket in which he slithers and got him to speak positively rather than negatively. (Weaved basket with or without Top Rank logo is an additional $19.95). Freddie Roach/Jason Varitek Catcher?s Mask: Roach has teamed up with popular Boston Red Sox catcher and captain ?Vtek? to produce and sell this meshed catcher?s mask which provides total protection for your face from missiles of any kind. Unfortunately, during his own ring career, Roach led with his face and used to get mad when an opponent missed a single punch. With the Roach-Varitek Catcher?s Mask, you, too, can roll with the punches at work on the domestic front. Freddie Roach?s Bai Ling Bling Bling: OK, you bachelors, listen up. You want to land an Asian scorcher like Chinese actress Bai Ling (see her soon in ?Love Ranch,? also starring Joe Pesci, Helen Mirren and White Gorilla Michael Marley in his Hollywood debut). How does one attract a siren such as Ling? With the Freddie Roach Bling Bling Starters Kit, as designed in Dedham, Mass., your faux gold bling bling will get you in the ring ring with Ling Ling or some other suitably enticing Asian bachelorette. Tried and tested by voulnteer bachelors like yourself, the Freddie Roach Bai Ling Bling Bling works better and faster than taking a stroll through the Women’s House of Detention with two pocketfuls of $100 bills.
