One does not simply visit the basement.
No.
You experience the basement.
So what a “dream” scenario it was to show up at Chris Algieri’s parents place and throw an epic party in that basement. Concerned that there was no evidence of fun EVER taking place down there, me and a large group of wiseguys got together to change all of that.
We knock on the door and Chris answers. We get in. We knew Chris wasn’t gonna go to Brooklyn to watch the David Lemieux vs. Gabriel Rosado fight and was still depressed over the seismic beating he took from Manny Pacquiao in China recently.
“Listen Chris, c’mon, lose the frying pan,” I dropped on Chris, not really understanding the egg and avocado concoction he was dialing up. “We’re about to have some fun. Hey Cara come here.”
You all know Cara Castranouva, the knockout “Biggest Loser” trainer and former two-time NY golden gloves champ Algieri brought in to spy on Pacquiao. Since we know she’s great with a camera, we figured she’d be great to film the festivities.
Anyway, we get down into that basement and make room for a game of dice while throwing on the fight. I really don’t know who I’m picking and don’t know where I’m gonna go with this thing. All of sudden we hear a loud squeaky voice making its way downstairs, and I’m glad to see Paulie Malignaggi and his good friend Peter show up and pay some respects.
We first asked Peter what was gonna happen tonight. “This is just my opinion, but I think Gabriel is gonna beat the sh*t out of him,” Peter revealed. “Since I know Vada got involved with the testing, I’m going with Gabriel big.”
Then I turn and look at Paulie, who acts like he’s had 5 cups of coffee and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, and ask him for his opinion. “They doing Vada testing right? Vada’s involved?” Paulie asks to no one in particular.
“…Yeah” I said, for the hell of it.
“Rosado. All day. ALL DAY. Vada doin the testing I like Rosado all day.” spills Paulie at like 90mph.
Then, all of a sudden, I remembered how these two felt about Pacquiao vs. Bradley II and started playing that tape back in my mind. Plus I saw when Paulie walked in, he somehow threw his hat on the floor and f*ckin missed.
I was done.
“Aight, put these two in the bathroom! Put em in there! I don’t want these two faces around the action!” I demanded. It was sorta like that moment from “Bronx Tale” with Mush and Coffee Cake.
Chris starts laughing and I told him he’s gotta be serious about this thing. The fight’s about to come on. Just as I was about to ask him how he felt things would go, I hear a familiar long-winded voice talking about all the reasons why Rosado was about to win every round. He’s all making gestures and sh*t with his hands and getting all dramatic.
Its none other than Teddy Atlas – and Chris is looking at him. Jinxing everything.
“Oh no. No, no, no… Put a towel on Teddy’s head! In fact, get him in the f*ckin bathroom!” I demanded.
Sheeesh. The nerve of this guy.
So the fight’s on and its early, and we still don’t know what’s gonna happen. Tim Lane, Chris’s trainer (you all remember him from this dumb ass moment during round 9 with Pacquiao), starts telling us how he feels.
Tim starts mumbling about Rosado being let out of a cage and how he’s about to put Lemieux to sleep. Not even a few seconds after this happens, Rosado gets knocked on his ass. Before I have a chance to say anything, Algieri gets up and puts his gluten-free hands on Lane, shoving his ass into the bathroom.
He overhears Paulie talking about how a Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather fight isn’t even competitive and that Floyd deserves all the money. Says he would “murder” Pacquiao himself and wishes Manny had the balls to face him instead of Floyd. Algieri, convinced that Floyd doesn’t really want to fight Manny, while apparently out witnessing gruesome murders, announces he’s going to fight and beat Mayweather.
WE ALL SHOVED HIS ASS IN THE BATHROOM.
MANNY PACQUIAO VS. PAULIE MALIGNAGGI
This would almost be like jumping someone in a boxing ring. The only thing really interesting about this fight would be just how colorful Pacquiao would be after maiming Malignaggi. Because to borrow from his good friend Peter – Pacquiao would beat the sh*t out of Paulie. He’d probably have an assortment of Paulie’s hair colors and blood all over his gloves, body and trunks during what would be a one-sided pounding – after VADA testing or anyone else’s testing.
I don’t know where Paulie’s animosity with Pacquiao stems from, but I do know that Pacquiao would attack him like he tried to treat his wife Jinkee like a “side-piece” during the promoting of the fight. Paulie just wouldn’t be able to resist supplying Pacquiao with even more bulletin board material to use in mopping the ring with the gritty Brooklyn product.
If you thought Shawn Porter’s beating of Malignaggi was bad, this would be downright brutal. Pacquiao is an A grade southpaw with tremendous advantages in speed, power, footwork, intangibles… Everything. It would be like a more violent version of what Pacquiao did to David Diaz. Manny would beat the hell out of Paulie until hair spray, Maybelline, panties, and anything else Malignaggi’s corner could throw into the ring resembling a white towel, came flying into the ring to stop the carnage in round 10.
FLOYD MAYWEATHER VS. CHRIS ALGIERI
“I really.. to tell you the truth, I don’t see much to this motherf***er at all man,” says Floyd Sr., with a puzzled look on his face. “To be honest man my son ain’t got time for this sh*t. Algieri sucks.”
There would be no way to sell this fight, and if Pacquiao did over 350,000 PPV buys with Algieri, Mayweather would be lucky to do 200,000. Its stylistic nightmare for him and for us. Algieri’s constant movement in trying to “master box” Mayweather, would result in a massive ass-whooping from a sheer boxing standpoint. Mayweather would time Algieri with crisp straight rights, clip him with occasional check hooks, pull counters, and counter shots in general after forcing Algieri to be the aggressor at different points in the fight.
Mayweather would win every minute of every round and look exactly the same way after as he did when entering the ring as a shutout UD victory is announced.
Fast-forwarding to real time and reality all the way around, I don’t know what Floyd witnessed as far as a tragic murder is concerned. But we’re all witnesses to the murder he’s trying to commit in killing a Pacquiao fight. Whether this is a smokescreen or not is anyone’s guess, but where there’s smoke there’s usually fire – and the media really isn’t sounding any alarms. Besides, he couldn’t have been all that shaken up, for he was seen at a Clippers game shortly thereafter. Bottom line Floyd fight Pacquiao, or else we’re gonna throw your ass in the bathroom.
It stinks in there.
