TERESA TAPIA always tried to make the world a safe place for her husband. He needed shelter from the past. Johnny Tapia was eight years old when he saw his mother being driven away in a truck towards her murder. Everything went dark after that.
By the time he was a three-weight world champion, and one of the finest fighters of his era, cocaine and depression jostled for position on his shoulder. He eventually ditched the drugs. But the misery, like his beloved Teresa, remained.
?There?s times when I look at him and I think to myself, ?I believe we?re going to grow old together, I believe we?re going to see our kids and our grandkids and we?re going to beat the odds?,? Teresa told me a year before he died. ?Then there?s other times when I look at him and I think I probably won?t have this man in my life for much longer because if you?ve lost your will to live then what do you have??
Back then, when we all met in Las Vegas, Johnny was full of life. He ran around like a puppy dog, jumping on the backs of friends and fighters. But every now and again he would stop and look around.
?Where?s Teresa?? he would ask. When his eyes located her, he would smile, and start to play again. She was his safety net, his comfort blanket.
But there was nothing she could do the day he died. She was horrified when she walked into their bedroom on May 27 2012 and found him dead. Sorrow and guilt raced through her veins. But his time had come. His heart had stopped beating. The autopsy reports revealed no drugs or alcohol were in his system. Suicide was ruled out.
But according to Teresa, the 45-year-old knew the end was nigh.
?In the last month of his life I believe he was aware what was going to happen,? she says. ?He kept saying he was ready, he was tired, and it was time to go and be reunited with his mom. He planned his whole services. He said he would not live to be 46.
?He lived his life that way. He would always say he didn?t think he was going to be around long, even when he was happy, even when he was fighting. It was something he drove into everybody?s mind who spoke to him. But you don?t want to accept that and there?s a part of you that thinks he?s going to outlive us all. But he came to that conclusion early in his life that he was going to go.?
Even though there was a part of her that always expected Johnny?s death, the finality hit hard. As always, there was more than just her to worry about. Her children had lost their dad. And the world wanted to pass on their sympathies.
?It?s so hard to deal with because of who he was,? Teresa explains. ?He?s bigger than life. There?s so many people affected by it and people always want to talk about him. That can be nice but it?s hard too because you have to constantly hear it. There?s days when you welcome all of that but there?s days when you just don?t want to hear it. It reopens those original feelings again.?
Teresa was in Los Angeles on June 15 to watch the premiere of TAPIA, a documentary about Johnny. They finished filming a month before he died.
?One of the most remarkable things about the documentary is that he talks in past tense. Everything is ?It?s been?, ?I?ve had?. It?s surreal.?
The premiere came just weeks after the first anniversary of his death. It was an awful time for the Tapia family. The grief set like concrete.
?That was probably the hardest for me and the children. I think that?s the time you realise he?s not going to come back.
?The two weeks before were so hard. My children cried themselves to sleep every night. My 13-year-old went to the premiere and it ripped him apart. He cried and he was so sick from his stomach, he was a nervous wreck afterwards. Now, I believe it?s more of a healing process because we?ve talked about it and I asked if it was a mistake to see the film and he said it wasn?t because he was able to see his dad again even though it tore him apart.?
The pain will never totally heal. Scars always remain when love is ripped away. Teresa knows she will eventually have to say goodbye but, for now, she wants every breath to taste like Johnny.
?I don?t want closure,? she explains. ?I want to see him bigger than life and I think that?s what has been accomplished and in that sense, I don?t ever want closure. Maybe people need that to be healthy, maybe I need that but no, I want Johnny to keep living forever.?
