OK, we all know what day this is, so please take the following ?news flashes? in the spirit of April 1:
*Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather have come to terms to meet in the ring this fall. The turning point came when Pacquiao agreed to Olympic-style testing for performance-enhancing drugs, while Mayweather consented to an airport-style full-body bling scan.
*The heavyweight division has been abolished in the United States, Canada, and Mexico under provisions of the North American Free Trade Accord (NAFTA). After all, if there ain?t no product, then there ain?t nothin? to trade.
*The upcoming Bernard Hopkins-Chad Dawson light-heavyweight title bout will be contested under the rules of Mixed Martial Arts rather than boxing. Dawson eagerly accepted the change because MMA rules allow for takedowns. Hopkins allowed that he couldn?t do any worse at MMA than James Toney.
*The London Prize Ring Rules are about to be revived after well over a century of disuse. Think about it ? No gloves. No mouthpieces. No protective cups. No judges. No sanctioning bodies. Fights last until one of the contestants is unable to continue. What?s not to like?
*The WBA, WBC, IBF and WBO have jointly implemented a ?Cain and Abel? rule to force Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko to box each other to determine who is the best heavyweight in the world. If the brothers do not agree to the match, they will be stripped of their belts and a free-for-all will ensue to fill the vacancies.
*The creation of a new weight class has just been announced: neutronweight, for fighters scaling 100 pounds or less. This division is ideal for athletes who are not big enough to qualify as race-horse jockeys, and too skinny to be strawweights.
*After four decades of treacherous, back-stabbing animosity, old-head promoters Bob Arum and Don King have decided to form a joint venture to pool their extensive experience and resources. The name of the company: Golden Geezers.
*Heavyweight hopeful Dereck Chisora has been named the first recipient of a full scholarship to the Mike Tyson Institute of Charm and Decorum. Classes will be taught by a virtual version of the Tyson of the 1990s. Courses include: ?How to Make Enemies and Alienate People,? ?Biteonology,? and ?Press Conference Mayhem 101.?
*Hot on the heels of the Super Six Super-Middleweight Classic comes the Super Sons Spectacular, featuring the scions of legendary former champions. The lineup includes: Julio Cesar Chavez Jr., Buddy McGirt Jr., Aaron Pryor Jr., Alfredo Escalera Jr., Hector Camacho Jr., and Ronald Hearns. Catchweights to be announced.
OK, this is all in fun. But if you?re a boxing fan these days, sometimes you?ve got to laugh to keep from crying.
