?There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.? ?THE GREAT ROD SERLING?S INTRO TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE SERIES.
Travel with me now to the Twilight Zone of boxing, to what is also referred to as Bizarro Boxing World, the same sort of ugly is beauty, truth is falsity, all is backwards shadow world first portrayed in Action Comics in April, 1960, and alluded to on various TV shows, including the classic scenes on Jerry Seinfeld.
Bizarro Boxing World is a vast wasteland, a place filled with oddities and role reversals as follows:
In Bizarro Boxing World?
In this strange dimension, this Bizarro World, Floyd Mayweather Jr. has a certain fondness for ESPN’s Brian Kenny, invites him to family picnics and the like.
Bob Arum is a retired former Attorney General of the United States. After briefly dabbling in fight promotions, Arum decided they were too many unseemly characters involved and he rushed back to his federal prosecutor gig in New York, later being selected as AG by President Bill Clinton during his first term.
Dave Hayemaker Haye has an iron will combined with an iron punch. Haye tore through Wladimir Klitschko in three rounds, forcing Manny Steward to throw in the towel in Hamburg. Screaming into brother Vitali?s face in the ring, Haye said, ?You want some of that, you want to face the Burmondsey Wrecking Machine next?? Vitali takes the bait and Haye KOs him also, thus becoming Undisputed World Klitschko champion.
Floyd Mayweather Jr. is publicly begging Manny Pacquiao to fight him in 2012. ?It?s such an easy night for me, I?d let Poochiao take 60 percent of the moolah,? cocksure Mayweather says. ?Besides, after I school Victor Ortiz, I have no opponents who mean anything so now I guess I need Poochiao.?
Don King?s roster is so weak he has to run a show in St. Charles, Mo., without a single superstar. Oh, wait a minute. That?s in the real world and that is bizarre. But give the octogenarian to be credit, the man has a work ethic second to none.
Todd du Boef turned his back on boxing and became a National Hockey League player agent. After doing that for seven years, the Toddster formed a group and bought the Vancouver Canucks franchise. Asked if his investors got a good sales price, Duboef said, ?We love our Canucks but we?re not schmucks!? Advertisement
Bruce ?Southland? Trampler never worked for Top Rank. When Cowboy Pete Ashlock stopped running shows in Orlando, Trampler never left the area. He?s a popular DJ on a big country music radio station under the moniker of ?Loose Bruce? and pens Western novels on the side.
Manny Pacquiao quit boxing without facing Mayweather when he was appointed the Ambassador of the Philippines to Italy. Pacman used that post as a steppingstone to his current home address, Malacanag Palace, where he is now president of his homeland.
Marvelous Marvin Hagler never walked away from the ring after the dispiriting and undeserved loss to Sugar Ray Leonard. Instead, Mahvin (as he?s known in Boston). Instead, Hagler fought on and beat a young Philadelphia fighter named Bernard Hopkins. After that, Hagler lost seven bouts in succession and was forced to quit because of declining health.
Richard Schaefer abruptly quits his Golden Boy post and answers the hurried call of the International Monetary Fund to take over as its chief. ?I had to double check,? Richie Rich said, ?because I thought they were saying IBF and not IMF.?
Roy Jones dons that pirate suit he?s worn for promotional reasons and announces that his next and likely final fight will be on the high seas. ?If I lose this fight on an old pirate vessel, I will show my abject humiliation by walking off the gangplank and into the ocean. By the way, we?ll be serving fresh native corn to anyone who buys a ringside seat with life jacket included. How much is the corn? ?Why, a buck an ear, you fool!?
Lou DiBella, labeling both TV and boxing as pits of depravity, switches careers at midlife but does not abandon all aspects of his former jobs. ?I bought the old Reverend Ike?s United Palace Theater in Washington Heights but we won?t stage boxing there. I?m becoming a televangelist, sort of an Italian American Creflo Dollar, a preacher who will make you holla. Rev. Ike sold those prayer cloths over radio and I?ve religious ring mats for the believers. If you think it about, televangelism is a more pure form of PPV than boxing could ever be.?
Forget Mayweather-Pacquiao, the really big fight in 2012 is “White Gorilla” Michael Marley dropping bodacious Youtube sensation Charlie “ZMoney” Zelenoff in 22 seconds of the first round. “ZMoney” begs for no rematch, preferring to challenge Amir Khan.
Bizarro World, or Htrae (earth spelled backwards), what a trip.
