The menu at posh Manhattan catering palace Capitale is top secret.
But, as you readers know, I have my ways of denting even the most intense security.
I could tell you how I got the information but then I?d have to make you eat balut for breakfast, lunch and dinner with no frosty San Miggie to wash the bye bye birdie down the hatch.
You know you don?t want that treatment from an Original Gangster like me fo shizzle.
(Guess I?ve been listen to the Doggfather too much on my Ipod again.)
Anyway, here are the menu options for Manny Pacquaio, Coach Freddie Roach, Bob Arum and all the other swells who will dine alongside the tattered, battered boxing press corps Friday night.
CAPITALE BOXING WRITERS MENU:
Chicken a la Floyd: Rich, savory bird cooked in the juices of its own unmitigated arrogance. But really half cooked compared to how Pacquiao will grill, roast, bake and barbecue L?il Floyd when they meet in the ring.
Veal Oskar: You will say shanks a lot, my little lamb, when you taste the succulent morsels of this special rendition by Chef Hayden Kho, former Pinoy plastic surgery specialist who is now filming his ?Pinoy Iron Chef? TV pilot show. This veal only lasts for eight rounds. Some diners have found segments of a broken ?trigger? in this gourmet dish. Gourmands will detect an undercurrent of kangaroo meat in the special sauce therein, a reminder of De La Hoya?s special pre-Manny fight diet. If you can?t eat it all, don?t worry. We offer a take home marsupial pouch for take home. In light of what Pacman?s wandering father did years ago, turning an actual dog into a ?hot dog,? we do not use the expression ?doggie bag.?
Poached Roach: Those of you unfamiliar with Boston area seafood cuisine may not know the difference between a quahog and a whole hog or these swine opponents who want Pacman to give them 50 percent of more of his fight jackpots. But any seafood lover will discern a tinge of lobsta (Boston pronunciation like ?paahk the caah?) in the upper crust to this insect entr?e. If you see something crawling on top of your Poached Roach, not to worry those are only minced clams preparing for the Gay Bivalve Parade. Nine out of 10 exterminators savor the flavor of this New England delicacy.
Mayweather Mayonnaise A La Hatton: You must consume this British-American meal in under six minutes. You will be positively floored, probably hitting the ground at least three times, when your taste buds get hit with the powerful right hook of this mixture of mayonnaise and UK standby fish and chips. Once you inhale this dietary delight, you?ll begin waxing puerile poetry like a four-year-old having a temper tantrum.
Yesterday I Was Frying, Today I?m Getting Grilled: ?Promotional? item from the Top Rank menu we offer only to the uber wealthy patrons. Title of this entr?e, of course, harkens back to Arum?s trademark line ?Yesterday, I was lying but today I am telling the truth.? Grilling part refers to Arum?s sensational testimony in the IBF bribery scandal which sent boxing body?s bossman, Bob Lee, to federal slammer. (Mr. Lee won?t join us tonight as we do not offer only bread and water.)
Snaggletooth A La Roger: Yet another from our Mayweathers who did not come over on the Mayflower Menu. Recommended by orthodontists everywhere. You will feel like you have some gold teeth when you ?bite down? on this concoction which is mainly made up of buffalo ?chips? mixed with broken auto glass. Not for those with tender stomachs. Please do not order this ?special? speaking Ebonics as it confuses our cook, Yo Homie.
Wiener Schnitzel Schaefer: Named for Golden Boy boss and ex-Swiss banker Richie Rich. This might be too ?rich? for your plebeians. Favorite of Cali Governator Arnie Schwarzenegger. You?ll be shouting, ?Who?s your Schwarzenegger?? when you devour this famous high up in the Alps taste treat. Covered with Luftwaffe savory sauce flown in from secret kitchen in Uruguay. Keep your mouth shut on that or it?s Stalag 17 for you.
Jackalope Jackal Mabuhay: Fave dish for legal beagles (not yet fried) all over RPI. Named in honor of Manny?s childhood playmate and now legal adviser Franklin ?Don?t Call Me Frankie? Jing Gacal. Yellow legal size pads and assortment of pens with which to sign boxing promotional contracts comes on the side. Many call this better than raw balut.
Half Baked White Gorilla: Sure, it?s only middle-aged monkey meat from the Caucasian Mountains in Lower Slobbovia but you?ll go ?bananas? when your taste bids tear into this specialty. Immediate side effects including writing 49 Pacquiao related articles per day, plugging Mang Resty?s Pacfans corner incessantly and wanting to rush to the immediate aid of Katrina Hallili, damsel in distress due to dastardly Hayden and ?Hayden camera tricks.?
Canadian Bacon: Sorry, this can only be served to Michael Koncz who likes to refer to his native land as ?America?s Hat.?
Cheeky Belo: New this summer to our menu. This is raw ?Cougar? meat with a real ?bite.? Targeted to younger men of course, not doddering old fools such as your author. Pinoy restaurant maven Hermie Rivera says ?you have to be a sexual tiger? to properly digest this critter creation. Comes with side order of Viagra for you old-timers trying to act young.
Steamy (Nicole) Scherzinger: What?s new, Pussycat? There is a feline line waiting to savor this tropical treat. Single men only, please. You married guys can look at the Dolls menu but no touchy, no feely. You won?t need any hot sauce with this order. One plate of this and you?ll be crooning “Lupang Hinirang” all night. I personally would love to see Nicole sing in my shower. Now that is my sick idea of pay per view.
For you gringos, here?s some starter verse:
?Land of the morning Child of the sun returning With fervor burning Thee do our souls adore. Land dear and holy, Cradle of noble heroes, Ne’er shall invaders Trample thy sacred shores.?
Finally, here?s New York magazine?s review:
“This venue now hosts private events only.
Garish opulence haunts this Stanford White-designed Beaux Arts national landmark that housed the former Bowery Savings Bank. Featuring a ballroom with 65-foot ceiling supported by marble Corinthian columns, Capitale is outrageously over the top, with its billowing curtains and ferns-in-urns d?cor, particularly in these economic times. Private functions only. A monstrosity of excess redolent of the go-go 1980?s and truly the height of metropolitan vulgarity. ? Andy Bailey”
