They called it the Kangaroo Court. It used to be an amusing tradition in major league baseball.
Ballplayers would assess each other nominal fines for various infractions and the laughs were plentiful.
Today, in a world with mediocre players earning millions of dollars and a daily road food per diem of something like $300, the Kangaroo Court has gone the way of teams traveling as far as St. Louis by train for road games.
The subject came to mind with the passing news that David Stern, Lord High Commissioner of Roundball and Imperial Potentate of the Entire NBA, has hit superstar LeBron James with a (ha ha) whopping fine of $25,000 for skipping out of Orlando instead of meeting the press after the Cavs got eliminated by the Magic.
I can really feel LeBron’s financial pain. Usually, he gives this amount as a tip to his pool boy or the guy who mows his lawn in Ohio. LeBron can take that amount of his parking valet loose change jar.
They’ll have to start calling him David “Not So” Stern with punishments like this.
Well, I?m feeling fine today and I hope you are also. But I am calling my Hip Hop Don?t Stop Kangaroo Court into session right now. I think it?s highly appropriate since kangaroos are well known for their boxing prowess.
BEFORE THE COURT, FEELING FINED:
ROCKY KASTIDIS: Robotic Aussie, who wishes he had foot speed of your average ?roo, announces in Manila he, too, wants to fight Manny Pacquiao. Put his name on the list, mate. What I do find amazing is the total recognition passerby across Metro Manila has for Katsidis despite the fact he was wearing his traditional in ring helmet. Too bad Rocky is not allowed to keep the headwear on when the bell rings. FINE IS TEN DOLLARS FOR BEING A COPYCAT.
DAVID HAYE FANS: Worrying too much about balsa wood-chinned pretender getting new date to flop against Wladimir Klitschko. What UK fights fans and fighters need to worry about is cable network Setanta wobbling like Ricky Hatton after getting hit with a Manila Ice right hook. Setanta appears to have major financial woes. Please know that I will personally campaign to keep “Steve Bunce’s Boxing Hour” on the air as it is, hands up like Manny or hands down like Hatton, the most informative and entertaining telly offering across the entire UK. FINE IS FIFTY QUID AND FOUR WARM PINTS.
OSCAR DE LA HOYA: Keeps reading from same, old tired script. FILL IN NAME HERE will absolutely crush Pacquiao, Golden Guy says. FILL IN NAME HERE won?t make dumb tactictal mistakes that I did and Hatton did. Expect Oskie to keep using this script before/after Manny handles Mosley and/or Mayweather. FINE IS NO MORE FREE PASSES TO STRIP CLUBS IN MANHATTAN.
NAMED INTERNET SCRIBE, FELLOW EXAMINER DENNIS ANTHONY ‘D SOURCE’ GUILLERMO: I read where my Indianpolis-based Examiner colleague believes that Pacquiao deserves 70 percent of all revenue in a fight against any opponent. I don’t want to say D Source is playing to the Pinoy Peanut Gallery but…why stop there? Let foes really feel some economic pain and mandate that Megamanny gets 90 percent of all the moolah? Here, Mayweather take your miserly 10 points and consider yourself lucky. As for you, Mosley, you only get eight percentage points with 92 going to Pacman. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’m sure D Source will consider me a doddering, old fool but I have not doddered at all recently. Let;s put this down not to Pachugging but to smothering love for the Pinoy Idol. I used to think Muhammad Ali should’ve gotten 98 or 99 percent of the money when he fought so I am no paragon of fiscal fairness. Your share of a Packy purse…well, it’s for the needy, not the greedy lads.
NAMELESS INTERNET SCRIBE: Who lambasted HBO for giving Mayweather $15 million to fight Juan Manuel Marquez, claims prime cable network is blatantly favoring PBF over Manny. Well, duh. Last time I checked, HBO was an American based network mainly doing its business in America. What?s your next revelation that Solar Sports likes to show Filipino sports events? Or that Sky Sports in the UK was cheering for Hatton against Pacquaio? Nobody is going to pay PPV prices to watch Pacman shadowbox. HBO wants to build Floyd-Manny to crescendo. It?s working on the dramatis personae, you Roads Scholar you. FINE IS?WELL STUPIDITY HAS ITS OWN PRICE.
ME, MYSELF AND I: Going overboard in mentioning Pinoy plastic sturgeon (he can correct any fish face) Dr. Hayden Kho. I vow henceforth not to mention Dr. Hayden Who. I will restrict my medical mentions to Dr. Kildare, Dr. Chamberlain, Dr. Ferdie ?Fright Doctor? Pacheco, Dock Ellis, Dr. Hermie Rivera and to Dr. Michael Tyson who, upon being given honorary doctorate at Ohio?s Wilberforce College, was asked what type of ?doctor? he was…i guess Hayden’s chances of becoming the RPI “Sturgeon General” are minimal now that he’s been seen buck private naked…
?I don?t know,? Tyson leered, ?but looking at all the beautiful black women here today, I hope I am a gynecologist.?
FINE IS…HAVING SEEN DR. WHO’S NUDE PHOTOS, HAVEN’T WE ALL SUFFERED ENOUGH?
Step down, next case?of frosty San Miguel I hope.
I just don?t want anyone saying, ?That Marley, he?s as sober as a judge.?
I wonder if Kastidis is throwing some balut on the barbie right about now.
Bong Revilla wants to throw Dr. Hayden Who on the barbie, I guess.
Why do guys named “Bong” always want to see someone or something get smoked?
I’ve got to stop, I’m getting Cheech & Chong flashbacks…Dave’s not here, man!”
What if they teamed up like Moe, Larry and Curley did? Cheech, Chong & Bong.
Wow. That really is far out, man.
Anyone seen “Yellow Submarine” or “Fantasia” lately?
