As we turn the spring calendar, there?s a veritable blizzard of boxing news, some of it quite stunning. I don?t know if March went out like a lion, or a Cape Water Buffalo like Samuel Peter, but I do know that April is hardly coming in like a lamb?
Top stories crossing the www.examiner.com and www.boxingconfidential.com newsdesks this morning?
There is unhappiness at the Holy See. The Vatican refused immediate comment to the shocking news that debout Roman Catholic and devoted family guy Manny Pacquiao is disavowing his religion unless priests are given permission by lead promoter, meaning The Pope, to be married.
?I am serious about this,? Pacman told his inner circle. ?You know how wild I can get when I see a pen and a contract in close proximity to each other. You know how the expression ?Sign Here? charges my batteries. I have a pending deal with the Dalai Lama to embrace Buddhism and reject my current faith. I was introduced to the DL on the DL by Michael Koncz. Upon shaking his holy hand, I said, ?Well, hello Dalai.?
For her part, Pacman?s gorgeous Lady Fair, Jinkee, said she support hubby in his crusade.
?It would be awesome for the kids and for myself to not have to leave our mansion Sunday mornings. We could have Holy Communion, the whole Mass, in our bedroom. Koncz could act as the altar boy since he still sleeps under the marital bed anyway,? the Pacwoman said?
One veteran reporter at the Vatican told me that ?losing Pacman would be the worst blow for us, boxing-wise, since Mike DePiano tossed his white Holy Communion suit, put a Star Of David on his trunks and began fighting as Mike Rossman. And he was really nothing compared to Bossman Pacman if you get my worldwide Pinoy impact drift.??
It’s no secret that heavyweight brawler David Tua did not have an Ivy League education. Da Tuaman did surprise recently in homeland New Zealand when he described a fight venue as “being like O for Awesome.” Never missing a side income trick, handler Cedric Kushner has entered Tua into a national spelling bee. “The first question is going to be how to spell the name Bob,” Kushner said, “but they will be spotting David the two b’s so I give him a chance to get into the second round.”…
Less than shocking news from Mexico where it has been revealed that, as a child, Antonio Margarito cheated playing both checkers and Parcheesi. Margocheato, as he is now known after the Shane Mosley loaded handwraps caper, was such a wild child that he played hide and seek with classmates without hiding?
Controversial Pinoy sports essayist Recah Trinidad picked up a six-figure Pacquiao book advance from a major publisher. “Home Recah” will be doing the “as told to” with Manny’s boxing brother, Bobby, and the working title is “I’ve Been Down More Times Than A Ship With A Drunken Crew.”…
Pacman promoter Bob Arum is planning a big fight show in terror-stricken Lahore, Pakistan.
?The body count for our JC Chavez Jr. show in bloody Tijuana was zero, thank God,? the Top Rank honcho said. ?We?ve found a niche for thrillseekers who like boxing and who want to explore global hot spots. These are fans who?ve got the huevos to travel to places where the State Department tells Americans not to go to. I figure after Lahore, we go to Mumbai and then maybe over to Afghanistan. Todd (duBoef, Arum?s stepson) tells me the hotel deals in Mumbai are phenomenal right now.??
Heavyweight pretender Jameel McCline, prepping to get flattened by ?Beachball? Arreola, has inked a endorsement deal with the Planters peanut folks. ?They?ve seen me fight and they know my heart,? McCline said. The lumbering loser also announced that he is legally dropping his first name in favor of ?Schlemiel? as a tribute to his African Methodist Episcopal Baptist form of Judaism. McCline said he has done more for Jews in boxing than Dimitriy Saleta and Yuri Foreman ?combined.??
Getting ready to celebrate his 75th birthday for the fifth time, WBC leader Don Jose Sulaiman has announced a new ratings lottery. ?This will be really exciting as we will sell tickets and each winner will get to do the rankings for a particular weight division. I believe this will bring real excitement back to the monthly ratings.? Sulaiman said that trusted fiduciary Yamil Chade will handle the money for the game of fistic chance?
Irish John Duddy has announced that he has sacked manager Craig Hamilton and trainer Pat Burns for not landing him a fight against Kelly Pavlik. ?I have hired the Boxing Writers Manager of the Year, Joe Calzaghe, to handle my affairs,? Duddy told the Belfast Tribune?s Paddy O?Furniture in an exclusive interview. Duddy also announced the hiring of Afro-Irish journalist Jay Mwamba as his public relations adviser?
Coach Freddie Roach, longtime Boston Bruins hockey fan dating back to the Orr-Esposito era, said he now recognizes the ersatz Trainer?s Trophy that is up for grabs between him and Ricky Hatton tutor Floyd Mayweather Sr. ?This trophy is either the 1963 Lady Byng Trophy won by the Maple Leafs Dave Keon 47 seasons in succession or an exact replica. Since the Byng award is for gentlemanly conduct Mayweather is not eligible. This ruffian should not even get a Bada Bing trophy.?…
Golden Boy will announce any second that it has made precocious prospect Victor Ortiz its newest executive VP of the company. Bernard Hopkins, 44-yar-old factotum, will now report to Ortiz on all matters?
Sycuan Ringside Promotions is dropping boxing in favor of beach volleyball. Executive and tribal leader Willie Tucker said that it?s not a matter of economics but a matter of appearances. ?Tribal members and our hotel-casino customers would rather watch those Amazon like females in their bikinis smacking the volleyball than see the same old sweaty pugs. We?re building a $2 million ersatz beach in our casino parking lot and we will begin hosting pro volleyball events shortly.??
Little known Ricky Hatton trainer Lee Beard, who has been in the shadow of lead trainer Floyd Mayweather Sr., is trying to widen his recognition factor by adopting a nickname.
Beard plans to let his facial hair grow unchecked and wants to be referred to henceforth as Lee ?Mangy? Beard?
Leave it to Buffalo’s own Racoon Rick Glaser to come up with this one. Since I likened 265-pound Sam Peter to a Cape Water Buffalo, Glaser has been feverishly working on a bout in Buffalo–where else?–between Peter and “White Buffalo” Francois Botha. Lou DiBella and the eerie guy from Erie, Pa., Michael Acri are both vying for rights. As DiBella said, “Radio rights for Peter-Botha should be worth at least 10 to 12 dollars. Not to mention the international rights which could bring in another sawbuck.” The proposed name for the heavyweight brawl is “One Racoon, Two Buffaloes, It Should Be A Zoo.”…
Speaking of handles, not handlebar mustaches, King Arthur Abraham said that, if he loses to Kelly Pavlik in November, he will drop the regal nickname and call himself instead ?Clown Prince.? King Artie said ?only a clown can lose to a fake Ghost who is still haunted by Grandpa Hopkins.??
Hurricane Edwin Valero, the free swinger from Venezuela, said that he will can new trainer Robert Alcazar immediately after his title bout this Saturday night against Antonio Pitalua. ?Nobody had the courtesy to tell me that De La Hoya fired this cat. I mean, I was in Caracas or Tokyo when that happened so how could I know? The reason I left Coach Ken Adams was I got him mixed up with Stacy Adams from the clothing company. I thought he was bringing some fine vines like comedian Steve Harvey always wears. I?m a real clothes horse, you know.??
Our Dallas correspondent and Hebrew Housecat, Matt ?I Got Kicked Out Of ROTC At SMU? Stolow revealed he is going to work for heavyweight loser Schlemiel McCline and will be his top gofer. Stolow is dropping his first name and will now be known as ?Schlepper Stolow.? How low can you go, Stolow?…
Ubiquitous boxing man Sampson Lewkowicz, having received a cease and desist letter from lawyers repping the estate of Picasso, has stopped referring to himself (nobody else did) as the ?Picasso of boxeo.? Cool Hand Lewk is now calling himself ?the Andy Warhol of boxing.??
Nate Campbell?s man for all reasons and all seasons, Terry Trekas, is bubbling over about his upcoming starring movie role in ?Walking Short, The Eddie Gaedel Story.? The film details the amazing but, ahem, short life of the midget who Bill Veeck sent up to bat for the old St. Louis Browns. Trekas earns a ?good looking out? nod as he landed Soupy Campbell a cameo role as a young Satchel Paige?
Time Marches on, time to flip the calendar, all you April fools out there…
