Lee Beard, better known as the Mouse That Roared in the Ricky Hatton camp, has pretended to be an all knowing, all seeing seer of boxing.
By his careful calculation and use of his trusty Ouija board, the heretofore anonymous Beard has forecast that the fighter who he fluffs towels and hold punching pads for will knock out Manny Pacquiao in six rounds come May 2.
Now, it seems the Lilliputian, self-invented trainer is moving on to subjects beyond the ring. Is there no end to this egomaniac’s lust for publicity?
Herewith Beard?s comments on wider issues:
WORLD ECONOMIC DEPRESSION: ?Cheer up because when Ricky smashes Manny to the ground and leaves him whimpering like a scurvy dog along the sugar cane fields of Bacolod, financial conditions will improve in all nations. We?ll have a rematch with Mayweather and our gross will exceed the GNP of the Philippines. Btw, is Gen. MacArthur still running the show out of Manila??
STEROIDS IN SPORTS: ?Ricky is a good and true lad whose only vices are booze and fish and chips. Rick would never touch the ?boli? like that ballplayer A-Frog did. I can assure you Ricky has no cousins in the Dominican Republic.?
PIRATES OF SOMALIA: ?I really only peruse the sports section and my favorite newspaper is the breast-laden News Of The World or, as we call it over here, Screws Of The World. By any chance would they be affiliated with the Pirates of Penzance??
TENSION IN THE MIDDLE EAST: ?Not to worry because I truly see Ricky Hatton as the key to world peace. After he beats Pacman like a cheap rug bought from a bazaar in Casablanca, Ricky will get deputized by our PM, Gordon Brown, and go to international trouble spots to calm things down. Ricky, ever so generous, wants me to be the lead dog in going to Mumbai and scouting out the street scene over there. Which reminds me that I stupidly went to that movie thinking that ?Slumdog Millionaire? was the Manny Pacquiao life story.?
Then the gears were switched back to a boxing issue.
ANTONIO MARGARITO AND HIS CEMEX HANDWRAPS: ?I don?t wrap hands. I only warm and fluff Ricky’s towels. He has to have them just so. And I do the punch pads. I had to go to Oxford to learn how to do that, Oxford Street I mean not the historic university. Antonio who??
The Mouse That Roared keeps those jaws flapping. But will he have to say come May 3?
