Manny Pacquaio: What to give the Manny who has everything? Maybe serenity now to go along with all your fame and riches. Or maybe a panic button to press whenever someone approaches you with a contract thus alerting Roach and Finkel immediately…
Calvin Brock: A fight real soon. Otherwise, you might come down with Cooneyitis. Besides, you owe your promoter, Main Events, a credible victory.
Paul Malignaggi: Yo, Paulie, you and the Jewish kid, Dimitriy Salita, make for a soldout crowd at the ballpark in Coney Island in June. Yuri Foreman is in the co-feature and he has people Russian to buy tickets.
George Chuvalo: Lou DiBella flies you in to be the main speaker at the Johnny Bosfest on January 24 and you steal the show, landing more verbal low blows on Bos than the south of the border punches you used to bring the pain to Muhammad Ali.
Keith Mullings: A seat at the head table and a $100 tribute from everyone at Bosfest. One of the high-rollers sets you up with a steady job so you can have the dignity befitting a former world champ and Gulf War vet.
Oleg Maskaev: Decent payday against Bernard Hopkins or Holyfield. Then a unification bout against either Klitschko or Briggs. You deserve all that.
Shane Mosley: Would you fight your equity partner, Oscar, one more time? Would it make any sense? Not really.
Scott Harrison: Yes, rehab is for quitters. Hope you make it, Wee Lad, but it usually takes more than one stint to stop living in the bottle, brother.
Fernando Vargas and Arturo Gatti: Same present. Take one fight, make it a victory lap, and then really hang them up. You both gave the customers more than they ever paid for.
Irish John Duddy: Whiskers. Meaning a strong chin. Meaning you can take a shot as good you throw them. By the time your chin is tested, you have eclipsed the Marciano mark (49-0). I’d give you a solid trainer but you already have that. Man’s name is Harry Keitt and he is a good one.
Silence Mabuza: A talk show in South Africa. Entitled what? Sounds Of Silence, of course.
Carl Moretti, Main Events: Some fighters who don’t fold up like cheap umbrellas in heavy rain.
Enzo Maccarinelli, O’Neil Bell and Steve Cunningham: Some great fights between you guys and some paydays. Don’t look now but here comes Manny Steward with Jonathan
Take It To The” Banks and he may rule the roost.
Carlos Baldomir: No rush back to the ring. Enjoy the $3.1 million you made in 2006, breaking the all-time record for street side feather duster salesmen. You must be the King of Santa Fe, now Baldy. You, the wife and kids enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Ricardo Mayorga: You I could do without. But how about sending that Latin Girls Gone Wild posse back to ringside again?
Zab Judah: Lay low, win some fights and get back on top. That goes for Pop Yoel also. Maybe you turn things around with promoter Brian Young.
Lefty Louis Collazo: A hermit like Kermit Cintron can’t beat the left-handed Brooklyn boy, can he? Let’s find out. I think it would be abNirmal slugger Cintron beat you, don’t you Nirmal Lorick?
Jorge Arce: Keep working on your English because you are a laugh riot. Boxing needs a personality like yours on Front Street.
Ivan Calderon: The strawweights haven’t had much attention since “Finito” Lopez left. You can change that.
Alex Arthur: I keep hearing that you are a Great Scot. Maybe you get a bout with a Jorge Barrios or Erik Morales to show us that you a tartan threat. But, please, no all plaid trunks and robes.
Juan Diaz and Julio Diaz: We’ve already had June 6 fight cards named D-Day. I think Arum did five of them. Your fight must be called Loser Changes Name. Yes, the loser must be known as Juan Lopez or Julio Torres for time immemorial.
Junior Witter: Nice chap, met him in Copenhagen. You say Ricky Hatton is not even best 140-pounder in UK. I can believe that since last time I saw Ricky he may have weighed 190. Why don’t you test Vicious Vivian Harris to prove your mettle?
Bad Chad Dawson: You bring a little ray of sunshine into Gary Shaw’s life by winning a light heavyweight title in a great fight against powerful Pole Tomasz Adamek.
Larry Merchant: Don’t be greedy, LDog. You already got your Pacman.
